I enjoy being a woman, and especially the nurturing achieving kind. Mostly I am a "stick in the mud doing my duty" kind of person, because when I am being useful I can keep the lid on my darker thoughts. I know that depression is not a word to over use, and it should only apply when there is a treatable condition. I suffer with the more common condition of depression where a devastatingly sad piece of news or a life wrenching movie will throw me off the wire.

It is a delicate balancing act, to be the kind of person we think we should be. I try to go to bed at night with a clear mind with all the "i's" dotted and the "t's" crossed. I have been my own counsellor, because of wise words my mother left me, almost cliched now. Her wise words now are shrugged off by the new generation of "do whatever you want, it is your life". "Let go of the children, they are on loan."

My mother was not entirely right in her wisdom, things she wanted for herself and was denied through lack of opportunities I tried to give my daughter. I am the one in the middle, nobody listens to what I want. If I had been offered the higher education, where would I be now.I feel deserted by both my late mother and my daughter. My mother said a daughter never leaves you, yeah right. I must have been an exceptional daughter (well nobody really knows me, so at least I can give me that pat on the back without being too immodest). My better half and I are family oriented, but for all that there is not much family left to nuture. Hopefully it is only a phase and we will stop working so hard and have some fun ourselves.

I am a sensitive person so this empty nest syndrome is not going down well. I thought my busy life would not let me fall into the trap of feeling lonely and deserted when a child of mine left home. All my frugal training and self denial of the frivolous shopping for me has done me no good. I have spent so much time and energy on a child with poor coping skills that I would have thought her healing would have brought a sense of satisfaction and a readiness to send her to a new life with her partner. The change of life for me could not have come at a worse time....

Dear Diary, this is not a good time for me. I am not behaving admirably. She has gone too soon. There was no period of courting, just the four months and goodbye, see you at Christmas. Now it seems that may not be possible. After all, a new life, love and career needs a lot of work. She does not send me messages and I have to initiate the calls and the emails. She is okay, and I must get a life or counselling according to her. She is lovingly reassuring but very distant.

For me it is should now be the time of slowing down. After so many jump-starts and delays in her life, she seems to have got it right this time. As I pick up the pieces of the life I used to have, it is like an old jersey full of holes. I have lost a part of it and I don't feel like wearing it again. I do not want to repair it or even wash it. I have lost the will to do the things that mattered so much.

We have been through a long winter, and the economy is rattlng everyone. I am not happy for losing the one job that at least made the most sense to me.

Being a mother is not easy, not being needed as a mother is far worse.

I am going to take a few days leave and take some photos of the signs of Spring around me. I hope that my role in life becomes a bit more newly defined soon as this is a transition period I am not enjoying at all. I do not like my mood swings and my grieving for a little bird who has flown the nest.

She deserves every happiness and I am not helping one bit. I am going to grow up now. I still have a houseful of people who are loving, funny and reliable. The sun is going to come out tomorrow and there is always hope of a visit.

Take care,

Love from Eve