I enjoy being a woman, and especially the nurturing achieving kind. Mostly I am a "stick in the mud doing my duty" kind of person, because when I am being useful I can keep the lid on my darker thoughts. I know that depression is not a word to over use, and it should only apply when there is a treatable condition. I suffer with the more common condition of depression where a devastatingly sad piece of news or a life wrenching movie will throw me off the wire.

It is a delicate balancing act, to be the kind of person we think we should be. I try to go to bed at night with a clear mind with all the "i's" dotted and the "t's" crossed. I have been my own counsellor, because of wise words my mother left me, almost cliched now. Her wise words now are shrugged off by the new generation of "do whatever you want, it is your life". "Let go of the children, they are on loan."

My mother was not entirely right in her wisdom, things she wanted for herself and was denied through lack of opportunities I tried to give my daughter. I am the one in the middle, nobody listens to what I want. If I had been offered the higher education, where would I be now.I feel deserted by both my late mother and my daughter. My mother said a daughter never leaves you, yeah right. I must have been an exceptional daughter (well nobody really knows me, so at least I can give me that pat on the back without being too immodest). My better half and I are family oriented, but for all that there is not much family left to nuture. Hopefully it is only a phase and we will stop working so hard and have some fun ourselves.

I am a sensitive person so this empty nest syndrome is not going down well. I thought my busy life would not let me fall into the trap of feeling lonely and deserted when a child of mine left home. All my frugal training and self denial of the frivolous shopping for me has done me no good. I have spent so much time and energy on a child with poor coping skills that I would have thought her healing would have brought a sense of satisfaction and a readiness to send her to a new life with her partner. The change of life for me could not have come at a worse time....

Dear Diary, this is not a good time for me. I am not behaving admirably. She has gone too soon. There was no period of courting, just the four months and goodbye, see you at Christmas. Now it seems that may not be possible. After all, a new life, love and career needs a lot of work. She does not send me messages and I have to initiate the calls and the emails. She is okay, and I must get a life or counselling according to her. She is lovingly reassuring but very distant.

For me it is should now be the time of slowing down. After so many jump-starts and delays in her life, she seems to have got it right this time. As I pick up the pieces of the life I used to have, it is like an old jersey full of holes. I have lost a part of it and I don't feel like wearing it again. I do not want to repair it or even wash it. I have lost the will to do the things that mattered so much.

We have been through a long winter, and the economy is rattlng everyone. I am not happy for losing the one job that at least made the most sense to me.

Being a mother is not easy, not being needed as a mother is far worse.

I am going to take a few days leave and take some photos of the signs of Spring around me. I hope that my role in life becomes a bit more newly defined soon as this is a transition period I am not enjoying at all. I do not like my mood swings and my grieving for a little bird who has flown the nest.

She deserves every happiness and I am not helping one bit. I am going to grow up now. I still have a houseful of people who are loving, funny and reliable. The sun is going to come out tomorrow and there is always hope of a visit.

Take care,

Love from Eve

Picture a child's first drawing of her home

and marvel at the sense of belonging.

Her little hearts and trees and birds

and the family with animals included.

Those tentative lines and squiggles showed

All that was important on a small straight road

My mother always said these would be the best days of my life?

With the broken sleep, the irregular hours and the disruption

The constant demands for undivided attention

and the fretting for lack of financial retention

In all of the struggles these still were the best of days

with lots of loving and hugging

of security and angst served with a breath of heaven...

Nothing to replace a child's enquiring mind

and those nights shared under the stars

of giggling at sillies relieving the tension

of a future unfolding with questioned apprehension.

When the news was bad we closed the circle

and took refuge in the family bond

that was as strong as iron forged on a fire of love

The beauty of innocence can be destroyed with disappoinment

But from each setback a valuable lesson is learned

Until we can teach the children no more

Then suddenly it is time for them to take a step on the road

further than their parents ever travelled

And thus it is time to let go

All that is taught we now must remember

as they blow a kiss to the folks at home

It is a job well done to accept the leaving

They are not ours, just on loan

The traces of their presence are imprinted on my heart

Gone in the flesh but never truly apart

How could I ever forget such a wonderful start......

Eve

I had a very interesting discussion with a muslim friend the other day. The fact we even have discussions is amazing, as I am a westernized female, married and financially enabled (I work for a living lol). He is an amazingly interesting person and his arguments about the problems in the world at large are incredibly perceptive. We have mulled over why a debt should be repaid with interest, why we cannot learn from the mistakes of history, why there is a need for wars and how information in his holy book is repeated in the book I follow and this information already made known sometimes borders on plaigiarism in some student's theses.

I am old enough to be his mother and his discussions are sometimes dictative, sometimes questioning. I admire his need to know what makes our minds tick. He borders on fanaticism for his beliefs and yet somehow doesn't mind if I chide or tease him gently for being almost overly zealous about things we cannot change.

What we do most agree on is the world needs a leader who can overcome the natural greed of man that cannot ever see how this is destroying lives and making no sense to those who wish to live in peace. If we could reach some form of commonality in our beliefs, then we would go a long way to solving some of the incredibly destructive lifestyles of those in power. We could share out all the bountiful gifts of the earth in an ethnic and compassionate, selfless manner, spreading love instead of hate.

Wars start through misinformation. We are so fortunate to live in the age of communication and instant news that spreads around the world like wildfire. One of my interests noted on Facebook is "breaking news", something I inherited from my dear late mother. How she would enjoy the media and the quick access to all corners of the world. She firmly believed all evils and illnesses in the world came from man and mostly from laboratories. Although in a sense she was God -fearing, she did believe however that a lot of the information age was witheld from us until we as a species became more able to understand and utilise such information. It seems as if into each generation a more cleverer or enabled youth is born.

I have mulled this over before, is it because our DNA is programmed to release more intelligence with each generation born. Is that why we roamed the earth in our infancy as cavemen with our only source of power the fire we could burn for protection not so many thousand years ago. How far I wonder are we in the quest to find the answers.

All of this is incredibly fascinating, especially as my muslim friend reassures me that the information we are now discovering was already noted by the muslims centuries ago.

I think that our teens are a very laid back bunch, sleeping in after a long night out and not showing any real urgency about discovering the world and the history that reveals itself if we are prepared to study the subject. Yet if we had a long discussion with them or spent an hour in their company we could find they have much more knowledge of where they are going than we can ever imagine. They have the information age at their fingertips thanks to the internet and the news centres in strategic places around the world.

What we both wondered however is how much time could be saved if we learned from the mistakes that history shows is continually repeated and then how we could move forward so much faster into a period of lasting peace.

It is possible, just as I am able to speak to someone of another culture and we find how much we actually have in common. A deep love for humanity and an incredible sadness when it all goes wrong.

Take care,

love from Eve