My daughter is studying towards a science degree. We have an incredible shortage of science graduates in this country and she was nearly a casualty of a less than a person teacher and a school who did not care what happened to her after she left. What brings me to this topic is that in my attempt to make sense of all that has happened to us as a family, I look for signs that there is a bigger picture. She had to give up her maths and science subjects in her final year, and a two year study course was crammed into one. She thus took up art as a subject. She has proven that you can be artistic and even write a book, whilst the scientific brain is taking a rest. She passed her difficult year with a university entrance.

Then came a two year slog to regain lost ground with the maths and science subjects. She passed with flying colours and the two universities she applied to study at have welcomed her with open arms. Ok, not really. No academic institution uses emotion when assessing whether one is good enough to study there. You have to make the grade. Full stop. What I do want to address is the constant whining in our press about the lack of candidates studying in the science faculties. We had to take my daughter out of a school, enable her to rebuild with the aid of a psychologist, demote herself for a year from her preferred subjects and repeat them for another two long years. We paid expensive fees to a private college and extra lessons with a private maths tutor to qualify her entrance to university. She actually learned a lot more from the private maths tutor who is an honours maths graduate, more qualified than the teacher at the college. It cost us more than four times it should have for her to achieve her chosen subjects.

Some would say that she used her difficulty to achieve her aims. (?) Why do people not celebrate someone's victory over near defeat. That is typical human nature. This is the next chapter in her book. It cost plenty of time and money in the face of critcism from ill informed people to rise above. Her quest for extra mathematics at school nearly destroyed her. She certainly is wary of the male species and particularly so-called well meaning people who double cross one another. (Actually these type of do-gooders are only it in for themselves, and they suffer from memory loss later). The education department in my country has a lot of accountablility to its students who dropped out of the system because of unnecessary obstacles through no fault of their own. One of those is a lack of really well qualified good maths and science teachers. Maybe one day it gets better. I hope so.One thing we have learnt is "life science", it is not an art, for sure. Survival at all costs, whoever is the strongest. My daughter is a survivor.

My topic was about chemistry vs science. She laughs at me when I talk about the Angels helping us out and being there even though we don't know it. With all that has happened there has to be a bit of both. A little girl who has been through so much has just received her First Year text book of Chemistry. She sent me a text message to say that it was amazing. Chemistry is amazing??? Well well, I do believe the Angels are at work here. All things are possible, even if at first we don't succeed.

I am so happy to be back in our seaside town, after a trip inland recently. Humidity, heavy traffic and a road less travelled made the experience quite frenetic. My daughter quickly mastered the mapbook, as the older generation certainly needed a bright person with the world beckoning to take control of the situation. Most of the problems arose with not being able to open the hired car with the remote, or the hotel suite with the swipe card. Everything is so smart, except for us having to quickly update our technical skills. We probably rated a three out of five for coping skills in a fast paced city. Fortunately the supermarkets and facilities were the same as at home and after swopping a disappointing backpackers for a hotel we began to enjoy the adventure.

Then my daughter downscaled her lifestyle to a shared room with a bed, small table and a cupboard for her possessions, all that she could carry onto the aeroplane. We did indulge her with a pedestal fan and a reading lamp bought on arrival. She gave us a brave thumbs up as we left, and I wanted to demand that she came home with us, as I could not believe we were parting. The staff back at the hotel suddenly became talkative and asked us where our daughter was at mealtime. It was so comforting to talk about her and why we were in town, I felt as if we had made new friends. The next morning we flew home and I was so pleased to see the mountains and the sea after a four day trip away. She would like us to relocate, and of course it would be wonderful to keep house near her and see her every day. It is not easy to uproot and start over and thus we are now reduced to telephone conversations and emails. I am cautiously hopeful that she is making new friends and living her dream at University.

She will be 21 next week and I want to surprise her with a visit, but that is now out of the question. My colleagues at work who are already way past the empty nest syndrome nod their heads knowingly and I accept that this was a long time coming. The house is quieter and the orderliness is disconcerting. I am actually at a loss for words. Sometimes when we have nothing to say we say the most. I want to tell her how much I miss her, but that is too easy. It is harder to keep quiet and give her the chance to be free. She knows this. We have survived a very difficult phase in our lives and this is the beginning of the rebuild. It is looking good so far. I do however wish the phone would ring, I am allowed this one longing...absence is definitely making the hearts grow fonder!

What I am doing is a complete wonder to me. My precious daughter is my life and yet we have been planning her leaving home for years. She is not a baby, except that she has had a very rough experience at the hands of an adult person, and experienced ostracism from her school and community. For three years we have been in rebuild mode, and it has been a draining and yet heart warming time for the whole family. She is a survivor and her will to succeed against the odds has made her reach this moment in time where she is ready to tackle a very difficult study course away from home.

I want to hug her and beg her not to leave, because it seems crazy to let her back into the elements that she was exposed to before and almost destroyed by. To love is to hurt, and I am battling to keep a straight face and be the mom who is steadfast and supportive. A part of me is saying no, please stay, but of course she is living her dream and this requires being away from home. We are packed and ready and we have rehearsed all the scenarios that she may encounter in her first few weeks. She knows where her home is and I hope she will speak up if the circumstances become difficult for her. I do not know why life has to be so complicated, and why we are pushing for this experience that will be bitter sweet. I nearly lost her, she is back and now she is leaving again. I sometimes wish she could be nursing a baby now, my grandchild, and our thoughts could be on the nurturing of a new life. I could be the doting grandmother soothing her and the baby when little troubles hit. Then again, did I just think that.?

Of course she needs to be her own person, a free spirit , and she must conquer her fears and then return home confident and self-reliant. I have been a working mother all her life except for when she was very small, and we all have our jobs to accomplish. Thus we will be practical and stoical with this parting. I will shed tears, and so will she. But somehow this is something we need to do. It will become clearer as the year progresses. Otherwise she can come home and tuck under my wing again. I am happy with whatever decision she makes. Life is one big test and parting from loved ones is very difficult..

"Fly safely my little bird, I love you so much". Love from Eve

I have to admit in this blogging, that many thoughts are too private to share,and after writing it all down I ask who wants to hear all of this.I feel better though for getting it off my chest and therefore I am thankful for the oportunity to keep such a dairy.

This year I am going to journal a very new adventure for us all. No-one has been down this new road 2009, and thus life is indeed an adventure one day at a time. "Paradise" is often a word used to describe the exact opposite, and where I live visually it is a paradise. Except for the weather, and the human factor. It is not easy to raise a family and stay uninvolved in the community. You have to meet parents and participate in fund-raising events, attend prize-givings and page the local magazine to see whose child is achieving. If the child is obscured behind the largest cup then they are truly a winner. Why do we do this to each other?If my child achieves that is a source of pride and delight to us. If all the children all achieving then even better. We have a situation now where the annual school leaving examinations have been released and not all the results are out. We have a suicide line for children who cannot face their parents and their peers with their failures. Where did we get to this sorry state. We are warned how to look out for the signs of teen depression. Come on now, we started growing the seeds of self doubt and low self-esteem in junior school and now we can just weed out the problem when it starts to burst forward in doubting flowers set to wilt. My heart is very heavy with the treatment of the psyche of our children. Why do we have to compete? If we have a cute animal we take it to be judged. Our children are treated the same. Scenario: Beautiful baby, the mother should enter her in a competition. She will gain the world's respect. The neighbour's child has a facial defect and is ruined . Whispers and gossip abound. This is going to be a very loved child and the mother will have to look out for the signs of rejection and jealousy when she finally turns into a beautiful swan, because there are going to be those whose ugly comments spur them to justify what they said originally and act in an even nastier way. I love this saying: "You are ugly in thoughts and I am overweight. I can lose weight. What are you going to do?" Is there a scientific answer to why it is easier to be nasty than to be nice. There is a short cut to everything, but hard work brings more lasting results. It is difficult not to judge but at the end of the day you will have nothing to be sorry about.

Now I have a fairytale, sort of a Cinderella tale. My beautiful baby was never entered into competitions, even though I was encouraged to. From about the age of eight years she needed to wear spectacles. She lost her two front teeth and her self-esteem plummeted. Her teacher made her stay back a year and in reality she regressed a year. In High school I organised her with contact lenses, and she blossomed in her looks. The self-esteem was shaky and then her grandmother (my mother) died suddently. We are a close family and somehow it all fell apart. I was working full-time and taking care of my dad and the family. She developed a friendship with a boy that actually was not entirely sincere and she felt rejected. Enter the big bad wolf, a predator maths teacher whom she took extra lessons with. The rest was ugly and she nearly took her life as she could not face us. When I saw her little face full of terror, fear and resignation I took her to a psychologist who sifted through the devastation and we realised she had been seduced and raped on more than one occasion. This is fully documented in a book we wrote together when she was seventeen. She was determined not to give up on her dream to study further and has taken a long time to finally be admitted to university. This meant a completely new beginning in her most crucial school years. She lost her friend altogether recently and the mother informed us she was not the daughter we believe she is. I felt it was a plot to derail us once again. She even stated she had made a mistake to stand by us. Was this a jealous person talking because my poor little girl had actually not given up on her dreams? We were minding our own business and focussing on her goal. Fortunately she has made some really good and loving friends not connected to the school, a new maths tutor who championed her and believed in her, and all her work colleagues. They have all taken her out to a farewell get together. She has come home radiant. We are on our way and she is on the new step of her adventure. I am thanking God and all the Angels for her healing and most importantly for new friends who so kindly have boosted her self-esteem and cannot wait for her to qualify and return home, where they can all meet up together again. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I didnt work hard enough

maybe I thought too much of people

whatever the case, this year will be different

I am going to be more spiritual

and call on the Angels for help,

the fairies and the guardians

and nature will talk to me

I am going to be free of worry

I am going to take time to unwind

I am not going to speak to anyone about anyone

and judging is not even going to enter my mind

Each year ever since my mothers passing

On 2nd January 2003 has been challenging

and her wise words are making more and more sense

I cannot change anything and I am truly grateful

for things I hold precious

If anyone thinks badly of me or otherwise

I do truly apologise

I am going to work harder this year

for this is something that I respect

A self sacrifice that will improve the lives

of my special ones whom I will always protect.

Blessings and love as we all venture into 2009 with uncertainty - keep your loved ones safe and do not judge others.

From a daughter who will never forget her mother's wise words - dear Mom, I miss you and love you dearly, keep on sending those messages that show you are still with us. Love from Eve