The Roles We Play in Relationships

In Chapter 4 of “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose,” author Eckhart Tolle states, “When you are completely identified with a role, you confuse a pattern of behavior with who you are, and you take yourself very seriously. You also automatically assign roles to others that correspond to yours.”--page 91

There is so much role-playing that the ego does that it truly is difficult to peel away the layers and get to the real person inside. Yet that is the goal of true awakening.

We play so many roles in life and yet these roles are not really who we are. A prime example is when we are in a romantic relationship with another person. We have a conceptualization of ourselves and another of our partner, and a mental image of how we should interact with one another. In turn, our partner has his or her own self-image along with one of us and how that relates to us as a couple. In essence these four mental conceptualizations between two people are “ultimate fictions,” according to Eckhart. The end result is conflict.

While role-playing these “fictions,” we spend so much time and effort trying to please another, playing the role of life partners, building a relationship together, planning for our futures together, raising a family, making a living, climbing the ladder to success, and looking to these roles as our source of happiness. Our identities become too seriously connected to the image of ourselves and the image of our partner.

Although we may look to our partners as the source of our happiness, relying on another to bring the happiness we seek never works. When they play the role we have for them well, we think we are happy. When they don’t play the role the way we conceptualize it, we become disappointed and unhappy.

Yet we can choose to react differently. It is not the person who makes us sad, happy, mad, or frustrated but rather our choice of how we react to our perceived identity or role of that person.

The key to the beginning of an authentic relationship then becomes when we turn inward and peel away the layers of roles with which we currently identify. It is not important if our partner understands it, approves or even participates. Each person progresses at his or her own pace.

When we become more present with our partner and look for peace, we will find ourselves listening more to our partner. This will and does affect our relationship in a positive way. While our partners may not be in agreement or understand our awakening, they will be able to feel a sense of peace by just being in our presence. They will feel understood and sense a deeper connection because of it. The result will be a more authentic relationship, particularly if our partner also begins to awaken by becoming aware of the role-playing inside.

There were so many parts of Chapter 3 of "A New Earth" that resonated with me that I found it difficult to decide what to write about here. I ended up re-watching the online class tonight as I wanted to understand and review it in greater depth. In that review, I was struck by Eckhart Tolle's comment that "Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose." He was talking about the core of ego. He goes on to make the point that no matter how much you worry, it won't bring about change. In other words, no amount of worrying will bring the change you may be seeking. The same goes with complaining.

Yet around us, and within us, we probably hear those voices of worry and complaints often. Often they are expressed as voices in our heads. Sometimes we verbalize them to others or hear others verbalize them to us. Some people may spend their entire days thinking about their worries or complaining about situations, people or their problems. These voices are all the ego.

The ego loves drama. The more attention we give to our worries and complaints, the more worries and complaints we'll have. It's a concept from the law of attraction: "What you think about comes about." (or) "What you resist, persists," or as Eckhart says, "What you fight, you strengthen and what you resist, persists" (page 75).

What is even more powerful to realize is that when we verbalize our worries and complaints, the more we are likely to attract others to join our "worry circle" or "complainers' corner." Think about how office gossip spreads, or how two parents can stay up late with worry over their teenage child's failure to make a phone call saying that he or she was running late. We can get so wrapped up in the complaints or worry that we only see the negative in a person or situation. This leads to imagining all kinds of things, such as untrue motivations of another person, or imagining the worst case scenario in all cases. The drama of all of this can erupt into misunderstandings, hurt feelings, arguments, fights, and even violence, especially if the ego identifies passionately about the matter.

The good news in all of this is that when we are awakened, we can step back from our ego, from the drama and see the play that is being acted out in our heads and in those of others. Worry and complaining are only pretending to be necessary as our ego demands drama for its survival. When we recognize these feelings and behaviors as our ego, we can begin to seek peace within ourselves and are one step closer to our own awakening.

I don't know if that made sense to any of you, but I'm not going to worry about it! (The old me would have worried I wasn't being understood.)

Last Monday, I had trouble viewing the online class about "A New Earth" with author Eckhart Tolle and Oprah Winfrey due to technical difficulties. Like many who experienced the same, I was relieved to know that the class would be available for viewing the next day and for downloading. Feeling like a college student again, trying to catch up on the week's homework over a weekend, I found time today to go back and listen to the online class . I have to admit that on Monday night, I was wondering how beneficial for me the class would be: not because of the content, but because of the format. As an educator, the pedagogy of delivery didn't seem too appealing as I like to interact with my audiences as much as possible. (In all fairness to Oprah, it is difficult to interact with 700,000 people!) Much to my delight, I found the first class to be more than I had ever imagined it could be and ended up taking 8 pages of notes, and filled with an inspiration to write about it!

There were so many quotes and discussions from the first class that resonated with me. Rather than go into great detail here, I decided to share 5 moments from the class that really moved me.

1. Tolle says that we should ask "What does life want from me?" I prefer to ask "How may I serve?" but it's the same idea and I totally can relate to it.

2. "Practice inviting moments of stillness into your life." This is the key to awareness. It begins with small steps. While Oprah advocates the easiest way to accomplish this is by spending time with nature, the road to finding the stillness for me began by a series of traumatic events and changes in my life (which Tolle agrees sometimes happens to people). I had to reach one of my lowest points in order to turn to the power of prayer. The study of the power of prayer led me to meditation, which has since led me to rediscovering the beauty of nature that I once so highly valued as a child. As a child, I always appreciated nature and felt one within it. Now I am finding that my meditative practices have led me to many moments everyday where I am with nature. I live in New York City and I find everyday that I am in awe of the nature around me.

3. I LOVE the idea of "Be there as a witness." I find myself in what is becoming a consistent state of observation, so yes, I am a witness to it all! What a creative way of expressing being present, in the now! The idea of being a witness is one I will write about later.

4. Tolle says that "becoming still doesn't mean you go to sleep; it means you're more alert than when you were thinking." This to me was a brilliant way of clarifying that one! If you are not spending time being still, you may not understand the profound nature of how much more alert you become being still than when you were thinking. The only way to really know it is to start practicing it. Then you will know what he means.

5. I was really impressed Tolle's explanation of his ego dying at the moment he was about to take his own life. In explaining that his thought processes had created his own suffering and therefore, the ego was "the me: the unhappy story," he had an AHA moment when he went behind that and woke up and asked, "Who is that self that I cannot live without?" At the risk of sounding inarticulate, all I can say is WOW. This was my jaw-dropping moment from the first online class!

Life Challenges: What Led Me Here (Part III)

The internet can be a dangerous place. It can also be a great place for resources, news and entertainment. I found all these things and more from my initial chatting experiences.

I was very careful about my identity online. Having heard all of these stories about how terrible things happen to people online; things like child predators, serial killers and just general bad people, I was very, very cautious. Taking great strides to protect my identity, I entered the chat world with a nickname and never used my full name. It took me 6 months before I would even share a picture of myself.

The irony of my tale is that I would later have to go “undercover” online and change my identity because I was being stalked online. The stalking endured for a period of a year, involving police intervention in three different states. There were times when I was genuinely quite scared from it and it weakened the trust I had in people.

Suffice it to say that my story is quite unbelievable, even to the people who were involved in it, including myself! With all the elements of a romance drama from a Lifetime movie, the controversy of a Spike Lee film, the melodrama and passion of a Pedro Almodovar film and the secrecy of an Agatha Christie detective novel, all wrapped up in one story, I have many ways of presenting my story to the world. Although I would like to explore all of that story here, there are various reasons why I have decided to make it part of my book instead.

I will say that my state of being during the ordeal was very stressed, drained, and put me on my guard during the enduring months of what seemed like a never-ending nightmare. Looking back on it all, I sometimes feel amazed that I made it through that time without a nervous breakdown of sorts. I wasn’t relying on my faith, or even my belief in God, but rather living and re-living each moment of worry, fear and pain, over and over and over again, determined to get to the bottom of the online stalking ordeal, yet fearful that I was in danger at times. It was a strange mix of fear, but curiosity at the same time. My spirit was very wounded and I felt like I could trust no one, yet opened up at times felt at times with my husband and with my online friends.

I ended up taking a risk and trusting two people who I had gotten to know online who later became and still are very good friends: one woman and one man. During this time, I was interviewing for jobs locally, but always managing to come in second. I was in despair as the bills were piling up, creditors were increasingly calling the house and I wanted my children to continue with the same activities that they had previously enjoyed, not to mention keeping the house and putting food on the table!

After many months of job searching locally, I knew that if I searched for a job in my field nationally, I would find a job. At the suggestion of one of my online friends, I decided to apply for what looked like a very promising and ideal position in New York, having never ever considered living there previously. In fact, my husband would often suggest over the years that we move to New York City (having been raised in a city himself), but I would always frown upon the idea. I thought New York would not be safe for my kids, so I never pursued it. I realize now that I was conjuring up images of the New York City of the 1970’s when crime was higher and the conditions different.

Even with these reservations, I decided to give the job a chance and I had a phone interview shortly after that. Immediately after the phone interview, I was invited to come to New York as a finalist. I could feel that I was a top candidate, but wasn’t sure about making that drastic of a move.

Just days before my interview, I had put some clothes in the clothes dryer and was going to leave with my kids to visit my parents, who lived close by a few blocks away. My husband was out of the country at the time and I tried to take my kids there as much as possible, so they could enjoy the last days of their grandfather. Not knowing if we would soon be moving away made the urgency of time with them even more important.

A voice inside of me said, “Don’t leave the house with the dryer still running.” I knew that voice as I had heard it over and over again in the course of my adult years. It was the voice of my mother, giving me what I now know is very good, sound advice. I never listened to it, however, as I was always combative with her about many issues because I didn’t like being told what to do, especially as an adult. I cannot count the times when I would throw some clothes in that same dryer and run up to see my parents with the kids, without a second thought. But this evening was different. For the first time, I really heard her and turned off the dryer while we made the short visit to my parent’s home.

When I returned to the house, I let our dog out of his kennel (which was in the same room as the laundry room) and I turned on the dryer, while my kids were playing upstairs in their rooms. I went back upstairs and was about to fix dinner when I smelled smoke a few minutes later. I rushed down the stairs to see flames starting to come out through the dryer door. In a panic, I yelled up at the girls to get their boots on and coats on, while I tried getting the fire extinguisher to put out the fire.

I saw within the next minute that my efforts would not be fast enough, as the fire had enveloped the machine and the smoke was starting to really smother the laundry room. I yelled at our dog to come with me, ran up the stairs to get my kids, picked up the phone and called 911, then burst out the door, kids and dog in tow. We went over to a neighbor’s house for warmth while we waited for the fire truck to arrive. I was so nervous that I went outside in the bitter cold with my neighbor, who happened to be a police detective, to wait for the fire truck.

The waiting seemed to last forever. The cold cut through my coat and into my bones as I watched my house in fear, not knowing if the flames would soon engulf the entire house. I couldn’t help but think about how our dog and house would be totally gone, had I not listened to that voice to turn off that dryer...

Little did I know at the time that the waiting was only a small sample of the patience I would have to learn in the years ahead and the fire represented only the beginning of the turmoil I was about to confront as I left for the job interview in a few days...

To Be Continued in Part IV....