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When Your Biggest Problem Is…You

By Martha Beck


Denial Strategy #2: "But That's the Last Thing I'd Want."



For Olga, the problem wasn't that she was unaware of her biggest fear. Quite the contrary. She couldn't answer a telemarketer's call without blurting out her dread of losing Jack. She discussed it endlessly with Jack himself.

"I won't let him talk about anything negative—negative feelings, bad experiences in the past, even movies he doesn't like," she said. "I love him so much; I can't let negative energy into our relationship."

Of course, this bizarre practice ensured that Olga's marriage was focused entirely on negative energy (our lives tend to revolve around the things we're trying not to do). It also meant Jack had no way of processing the countless indignities Olga kept inflicting on him.

"You do understand you're making Jack's life completely impossible?" I said, with my patented anti-tact.

"I know!" Olga said, sobbing. "It's another thing I've done to drive him away, but I can't live without him!"

"So what'll you do if he leaves?"

More sobs. "I don't know; I've never dared think about it."

"If you don't think about it, you're going to have to live through it," I said. "So start thinking."

"Well," she sniffed, "I'd have to learn to live for myself, I guess. I'd have to be independent, to be…" Her voice trailed off, and her mascara-smeared eyes opened wide. "I'd be free," she said.

Whoa, Nelly! The fear she'd been hiding was an even bigger surprise to Olga than Whitney's was to her. Olga's real fear wasn't that Jack wanted to leave her. It was that she wanted to leave Jack.