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Straight Talk About Faking It

Many women feel the pressure to fake orgasms in order to protect their partners' feelings. However, this leaves them feeling isolated and alone, and often leads to anger and resentment. It is important to separate the issues of desire and sexual response. Laura Berman, Ph.D and Jennifer Berman, M.D. offer their suggestions for dealing with this problem.

If you are not generally interested in sex, that may very likely be the basis of your lack of response (or vice versa). If you want to bring this issue out in the open with your partner, but are not sure how to do so without hurting him or causing an argument, here are some tips:
  • Bring the subject up when you are in a peaceful moment together. Don't wait until he is trying to be sexual with you or when you are arguing about this or anything else. Tell your partner how you feel. That means focusing on you. Explain that while you love him and find him attractive, you feel: (a) cut off from yourself sexually in a general sense (b) a lack of sexual drive overall (c) a lack of genital sensation (d) or whatever scenario applies.
  • Tell your partner how you feel. That means focusing on you. Explain that while you love him and find him attractive, you feel: (a) cut off from yourself sexually in a general sense (b) a lack of sexual drive overall (c) a lack of genital sensation (d) or whatever scenario applies.
  • Tell him how important it is for you that he understands that the feelings you are struggling with are not related to him.

Share with him your fears about losing him, explain to him your desire to please him, and make him feel appreciated. Let him know how much pressure you feel to reach orgasm and how that may actually make it harder for you to respond.

If you are finding that the conversation isn't going anywhere or he is having trouble hearing you, you may want to consider sex therapy, ideally as a couple. You should also consider a medical evaluation just to make sure that there is not a physiological basis for your complaints, such as low genital blood flow, low testosterone, or nerve/vascular injury.