Intentional Dialogue Exercise

O, The Oprah Magazine

Giving the Gift

What is it that you want that you're not getting? Learn how to transform something painful into a gift. Dr. Harville Hendrix suggests giving your partner a behavior change request in the form of a "gift."

"Instead of beating your partner up about it, translate the frustration into the wish," he says.

The Gift
It's time to ask your partner for a small, positive request. Start by asking something as simple as, "Right now, can I make a request?"

Example: "Can you come and hug me? Can you say a kind word to me?" Your partner should comply.

Keep working at giving each other "gifts" until a shift occurs and you can see your partner without judgment.

"Once couples can rely on these gifts, the safety arena will go up and the defensive barriers go down," Dr. Hendrix says.

When you are finished with your intentional dialogue, reverse roles. You are now the receiver of your partner's feelings and should start with the mirroring exercise. With practice, you are on your way to the marriage of your dreams!

Intentional Dialogue Exercise
Step One: Mirroring
Step Two: Validating
Step Three: Empathizing
The Gift