Damn, I'm Hot: Instructions on Seduction

By Martha Beck

Step 1: Identify a specific person with whom you really, truly want to have sex

After our waiter spilled all over himself serving Cathy her enchiladas, I asked her what it felt like to exercise such awesome sexual control.

"It's not that great," she said with a sigh. "In fact, it can get lonely. You have to learn to get past casual sex and create lasting relationships, and that isn't easy."

I stared at her. She might as well have asked me how you get past calculus to create a mud pie. I associate the word casual with khaki pants, not carnal pants. Why? Because for some reason, I just can't help indulging in forethought before getting to foreplay.

This isn't true for most people: Sexual signals usually zip right past the rational brain, because as Rodgers puts it, if two people "immediately considered all the possible risks and vulnerabilities they might face if they mated or had children, they'd run screaming from the room." Now, that I can understand. To actually have sex, I must be not only in love but also in full legal possession of the other party's medical records. The advantage of this approach is that what you miss in casual thrills, you gain in long-term compatibility. That initial spark of interest leads not to the nearest motel room but to the prolonged scrutiny you would give an unrecognizable substance before deciding to include it in a cake.

If you consistently wake up next to people you no longer respect, try doing deliberately what I do involuntarily: Hold in your mind a vivid picture of a genital wart. (The Internet provides plenty, and I am here to tell you, they're the opposite of pornographic.) Superimpose this image over the dashing smile of that cute guy at the bar. This should give you pause—a pause you can use to investigate whether the dashing smile is backed up by kindness, humor, honesty, and other qualities you probably want in a mate.

If you do this, you're on the verge of discovering something amazing: Simple, sustained attention can be more powerfully seductive than all the eyelash-fluttering, tongue-flicking, back-swaying displays that make men want to fondle the likes of Cathy and prescribe seizure medication for the likes of me.
Beck on Call

From the September 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine