Here's Looking at You, Kid!

by Martha Beck
With a head full of crumbling misperceptions and happy hormones, go out in public and pretend for, say, half an hour that you're lovely enough to be loved. Now go to a coffee shop and have a tasty beverage.

4. Test-drive a new self-concept.

Notice how your body moves when you trust that you're good enough. Not America's Next Top Model good enough, just good enough. Feel the difference in your facial expression—or if you can't get a handle on that, then try to gauge the energy you exchange with other customers or the barista. Most important, pay attention to how other people are reacting to you.

If you've done the homework (steps 1 through 3), you'll find something miraculous beginning, like the first tiny green crocus shoots emerging from snowy earth: Most people will accept you. They'll be attracted to you in a variety of ways. The more you release your defensive, self-conscious inner critic, the more you'll get smiles, courtesy, friendliness, all kinds of positive attention—not from everyone, but from most people. From enough people.

Let this connection between self-acceptance and attractiveness become an upward spiral, just as the conflation of rejection and ugliness has been a downward one. After some practice in coffee shops, try accepting yourself while chatting with a friend, then a colleague, then someone who intimidates you. One crucial caveat: Save your family of origin for last, possibly for never. Much protective self-criticism stems from growing up around people who wouldn't or couldn't love you, and it's likely they still can't or won't. In general, however, the more you let go of the tedious delusion of your own unattractiveness, the easier it will be for others to connect with you, and the more accepted you'll feel.