Here's Looking at You, Kid!

by Martha Beck
Even though believing in your own adequacy is actually less risky than feeling unacceptable (haven't we just proved this with the mighty power of logic?), this thought can still be terrifying—or, if you're the cynical sort, impossible to get your head around, logic be damned. That's okay. You just need to set clear, safe-feeling time boundaries within which to demo this idea.

2. Find a way to change your mind.

Find a place where you'll be undisturbed for 10 minutes. During this brief time, push your mind to attack its own protective strategy of self-denigration. Write down several examples of:
  • occasions when someone loved or praised you, even though you didn't look perfect.
  • people you've loved even though they didn't look perfect.
  • stunning people who act so awful they begin to appear ugly.
  • famous people who are dazzling despite physical imperfections.
  • artists' work that reveals charm and grace in places many people see ugliness.
  • women who are so perfectly at ease with themselves that they set a new cultural standard of goddessness.
If you're deeply mired in self-loathing, it might take you a while to come up with examples for a given topic. Stick with it. You're pushing yourself to make new associations, to jump the tracks of your habitual protective self-condemnation. You're not just thinking new thoughts but actively unthinking the illogical, painful, imprisoning thoughts you're used to. This is difficult. So what. Do it anyway—for ten lousy minutes. Tomorrow, do it again.