Shame! Embarrassment! Humiliation!

By Martha Beck

Humiliation Elimination

1. Align your actions with your convictions. If your behavior violates your own moral standards, humiliation is a natural consequence. There are two strategies for avoiding this. Strategy number one is obvious: Don't do anything you think is wrong or fail to do anything you consider morally necessary. If you're having persistent trouble "being good" or if your shame is triggered because of what you are rather than what you do, adopt strategy number two: Stop trying to change your behavior; instead, rethink your beliefs. (Note: Humiliation won't disappear unless your new attitude is genuinely okay for you. Merely excusing behavior you feel in your heart to be wrong only increases shame.) Rejecting humiliation in this way can transform you from a psychological paralytic to a powerful force for positive change. You may discover that your new truth feels "righter" than society's preconceptions.

2. Open up. Once your beliefs are congruent with your actions, the next step toward banishing humiliation is openness. Starting with a person who feels safe and nonjudgmental, raise the very conversational topics you've always avoided out of embarrassment. Once you've confided in your safe person, begin broadening your circle. Take this at your own pace, and treat yourself kindly if you get a response that formerly might have mired you in shame. Remember that you are acting as morally as you know how, and that you therefore have no reason to feel humiliated. The more open you are, the more others will support you.

3. Be proud. Know this: If you are following your own moral rules, the very things you're ashamed of are likely the things about which you can feel most proud. Say you've battled obesity, mental illness, addiction, or abuse: Take pride in the extraordinary courage you've shown by surviving and working toward health. If others make you feel ashamed for what you are—your heritage, your sense of what is true for you—you'll find that expressing pride in those same qualities is the road to inner peace.

Are you ashamed about your body, your history, your loves, your longings? If you know in your heart that these things are right for you, stop trying to fix, change, expel, or squash them. Share them. Now say it out loud: "I'm so proud of myself." The rush of strength and expansiveness that comes from declaring this honestly is the antidote to paralysis and the beginning of many wonderful adventures. And each time you choose that instead of shame, you really should be proud.