Shame! Embarrassment! Humiliation!

By Martha Beck

Phobias, Paralysis, and Poison

In her book Fear and Other Uninvited Guests, psychologist Harriet Lerner points out that of all the forces that shape human behavior, fear of humiliation is among the most powerful.

Humiliation's power can keep people from violating basic social boundaries. But like tear gas, it has only one effect: incapacitation. Try this little experiment. Say out loud the words "I'm so ashamed of myself," and notice how your mind and body react. You'll probably feel enervated, paralyzed, as though you've donned a lead straitjacket. These sensations don't just stop you from doing anything wrong; they stop you from doing anything, period.

To see the effect of this, consider an area of your life in which you feel frustrated and stuck. Are you doing absolutely everything possible to get what you want in these areas? If not, why not? If fear of humiliation is your problem, your answer will probably be something like: "If I do that, people may gossip about me/hate me/laugh at me/judge me." Or "That's unheard-of in my family/neighborhood/religion/company." Or maybe, simply, "That would make me look greedy/stupid/fat/selfish/wimpy/wrong."

These phrases are shame mantras. Obeying them prevents all kinds of experiences—but not, it turns out, humiliation. In fact, the more we obey our fear of shame, the more our frame of mind guarantees we'll feel humiliated.