Martha Beck: Dad Almighty

Cracking the Icon

Father icons become problematic only when we worship them as unexamined, monolithic images, lumping together qualities that feel right with others that feel wrong. The solution is to disassemble the icon and create a new image, a mosaic designed to match his characteristics to your unique character and destiny.

Try this: Write down what your dad might say about money, romantic relationships, or career. Picture your father, then "listen" to him comment on each topic. Continue this exercise with any topic that feels juicy to you—anything. Then examine each father rule. Do you agree with it? Does it inspire or discourage you? Most important, does it work? Did it help your father attain happiness? Is it helping you realize your full potential? Does it give you energy or sap your strength? These questions begin breaking up the icon image of the father, shattering it so that you can sort and reassemble the pieces.