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Here's the Deal
The first phase of change is the scariest, especially because we aren't taught to expect it. It's the time when we lose our identity and are left temporarily formless: person soup. Most people fight like crazy to keep their identities from dissolving. "This is just a blip," we tell ourselves when circumstances rock our world. "I'm the same person, and my life will go back to being the way it was."
Sometimes this is true. But in other cases, when real metamorphosis has begun, we run into a welter of "dissolving" experiences. We may feel that everything is falling apart, that we're losing everyone and everything. Dissolving feels like death, because it is—it's the demise of the person you've been.
What to Do
When we're dissolving we may get hysterical, fight our feelings, try to recapture our former lives, or jump immediately toward some new status quo ("rebound romance" is a classic example). All these measures actually slow down Phase One and make it more painful. The following strategies work better:
- In Phase 1, live one day (or 10 minutes) at a time. Instead of dwelling on hopes and fears about an unknowable future, focus your attention on whatever is happening right now.
- "Cocoon" by caring for yourself in physical, immediate ways. Wrap yourself in a blanket, make yourself a cup of hot tea, attend an exercise class, whatever feels comforting.
- Talk to others who have gone through a metamorphosis. If you don't have a wise relative or friend, a therapist can be a source of reassurance.
- Let yourself grieve. Even if you are leaving an unpleasant situation (a bad marriage, a job you didn't like), you'll probably go through the normal human response to any loss: the emotional roller coaster called the grieving process. You'll cycle through denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance many times. Just experiencing these feelings will help them pass more quickly.
