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When you stop blaming the other person for what's wrong in a relationship, it's easy to start pointing the finger at yourself. But the key to success is to find a third position, where you take responsibility for your share of the problems in a constructive and caring way. Here's a guide:
| Blaming the other | Blaming yourself | Taking personal responsibility | |
| What you tell yourself | "He's such a jerk." "It's all his fault." "She's got no right to feel that way." | "It's all my fault. I'm no good. Things are hopeless." | "I'll try to identify the errors I've made so I can learn from them and take steps to help resolve the conflict." |
| How you feel | Angry, resentful, irritated, frustrated, hurt | Guilty, ashamed, inferior, anxious, hopeless | Conscientious, curious (mixed with a healthy sadness and concern), and, if appropriate, remorseful |
| How you communicate | You argue, insisting he or she is wrong. | You withdraw and refuse to engage your partner. | You listen and try to find some truth in your partner's point of view. You share your feelings with tact and respect. |
| What this leads to | Endless fighting, bitterness | Isolation, depression, loneliness | Resolution of conflict, greater intimacy, trust, satisfaction |
Adapted from Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work, by David D. Burns, MD. Copyright © David D. Burns, 2008. Published by Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc.
Dr. Burns shares the one secret that will bring you closer to your spouse
