The Perfect Comeback

By Martha Beck
Martha Beck's principles to deal with passive-aggressive friends
Illustration: Adam Simpson

Principle 2


Practice the Art of Invisibility

I once purchased a book that promised to teach the ninja's fabled "art of invisibility." I was crestfallen to read that the first step in a technique called vanishing was "Wait until your opponent is asleep." The whole book was like that: Get your enemy drunk, throw dust in his eyes, thump him on the head with a wok, then tiptoe away, forever. Well, I could've told you that.

Nevertheless, I recommend these ninja techniques for dealing with mean people. Get away from them, full stop. Sound extreme? It's not. Cruelty, whether physical or emotional, isn't normal. It may signal what psychologists call the dark triad of psychopathic, narcissistic, and Machiavellian personality disorders. One out of about every 25 individuals has an antisocial personality disorder. Their prognosis for recovery is zero, their potential for hurting you about 100 percent. So don't assume that a vicious person just had a difficult childhood or a terrible day; most people with awful childhoods end up being empathetic, and most people, even on their worst days, don't seek satisfaction by inflicting pain. When you witness evil, if only the tawdry evil of a conversational stiletto twist, use your ninjutsu. Wait for a distraction, then disappear.

"But," you may be thinking, "what if you're stuck with a mean family member, co-worker, or neighbor? What's poor Theresa supposed to do?" Well, Grasshopper, that's when the martial arts of the mind really come in handy.


Life Support

From the November 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine


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