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How to Say It Like You Mean It
Neither the apologizer nor the apologizee, however, will benefit if the apology is not sincere.
"Saying you are sorry is so difficult," Alexandra Delis-Abrams, PhD, also known as "The Attitude Doc," tells WebMD. "It's an ego thing. It's humiliating to say you were wrong and are sorry. It means you did something you shouldn't have and you know it. Now you have to take responsibility."
It helps only if you mean it, she adds. "People often just give it lip service. I think there is a song by Garth Brooks that goes, I buried the hatchet, but left out the handle. You can't leave out the handle."
Orsborn recommends invoking a prayer from the Buddhist tradition. "Before you offer an apology or pick up the phone, sit comfortably, breathe slowly and feel the burden of having not asked for forgiveness bear down on you. After you have felt that as deeply as possible, then say to yourself, 'I have hurt someone out of ignorance, anger or confusion, and I ask for the power to forgive myself.'"
Before you can ask for someone else's forgiveness, you have to forgive yourself, Orsborn says. "You won't get the benefits if you don't forgive yourself." In other words, more sleepless nights!
Oprah.com Resources
SOURCES: Carol Orsborn, PhD, research associate, UCLA; author, Nothing Left Unsaid: Words to Help You and Your Loved Ones Through the Hardest Times and The Silver Pearl: Our Generation's Journey to Wisdom. Alexandra Delis-Abrams, PhD, author, Attitudes, Beliefs and Choices. WebMD Medical News: "Saying 'Sorry' Goes a Long Way."
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